A Mindful Grieving Process: Just Keep Showing Up
After roughly 6 years of battling with cancer, my dad passed away when I was 11 years old. Adding to the stress of living for years with a sick parent, my dad struggled with alcohol abuse for as long as I can remember, and that in itself came with a whole other set of traumas and pain. My entire childhood was turbulent, to say the least, then after he died, it felt like the whole world came to a screeching halt. There was no more fighting, no more chaos; all that was left was stillness and silence.
This new space that I found myself in was incredibly uncomfortable. Between the near-constant hospital visits, barely keeping up with school, and just being a kid, I had never been still long enough to allow emotions or thoughts to bubble to the surface, never-mind learn how to deal with them. But now here I was, deeply confused, incredibly emotional, and completely unequipped.
Day by day I found myself growing increasingly resentful towards everyone around me. The pity I felt being projected onto me, everyone’s eagerness to talk about anything other than my dad or sickness or death. I just could not stand it. I wanted to scream.
You can’t control how others act towards you, and in a period of grief, you hardly have the energy to explain to them how their shallow words of “he’s in a better place” actually hurt more than they helped. And so, I put up walls and shut everyone out, because it was easier and hurt a hell of a lot less than allowing them to be a part of the process.
I recognize now that by doing this, not only did I cut others out, but I cut myself off- from community, from connection, from the ability to talk about it and to heal. I carried my grief entirely upon my own shoulders, and at 11 years old, I definitely did not know what to do with it. And so, I did nothing. I cried a fair bit, so there was some form of release, but in a general and very real sense, I was completely detached from the experience of my loss.
That is why now, at 25 years of age, almost 14 years after his death, I feel I am just now beginning to grieve for my dad. The insight I have gained and the awareness I have developed through my spiritual journey have allowed me to acknowledge that I am still holding so much unresolved pain inside my body, and I am grateful that I have accumulated the tools and the guides that I need to support me through a mindful grieving process.
There are a number of guiding principles of mindful grieving:
Grief in the body- Allowing yourself to really be in your body, noticing when and where different emotions arise, and the sensations that they create. These sensations and these areas of emotion are different for everybody.
Power of creating community- As I touched on earlier, generally, people (particularly in Western cultures) are avoidant of people experiencing loss or going through grief, but there is a certain power of grieving in community because it not only helps you to see yourself objectively through other’s eyes, but often your experiences are reflected back at you and you no longer feel like the only one in the world experiencing this type of pain.
Vulnerability and shadow work- This is truly the hidden gift of grief. Spending the time with your darkest, gloomiest self brings you into unresolved places, and giving yourself permission to be vulnerable allows those parts of you that are hidden away, to step into the light, to be seen, and to be healed.
Cultural stigma- Society likes to build hierarchies of grief, telling you that someone, somewhere is facing much more horrendous things than you are, so focus on the positive. These types of messages, however, discount people’s lived experiences and tell them that their emotional landscape is invalid. Allow yourself to honour any and all emotions, always, not just through the grieving process.
Forms of release- These, too, are different for everybody. Some examples include crying, tingling, extreme heat/ sweating, extreme cold/ freezing, and uncontrollable shaking. Being aware of where you’re holding emotion in your body helps to recognize what is happening when events such as these occur.
Grief and transformation- When you experience grief, you go through an evolution, or a shift, in identity. This is the point in your grieving process when you realize that the person who you were is gone, but you haven’t quite stepped into who you are now. This can leave you feeling lost and confused but being aware and mindful that this is just part of the process, can help eliminate some of the fear or anxiety that arises during this time.
Allowing myself to feel and to release my emotions, has shown me that letting go of the pain, does not mean letting go of my dad. A fear that held me back for much too long.
By mindfully stepping into my body and noticing, feeling, experiencing, and honouring everything I found there, I have been able to meet my grief with grace and strength.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as smooth, easy, or pretty as it may sound. As the wise John Green says, “Pain demands to be felt”. This silent, still space I remain in continues to feel unfamiliar at times. I still cry, I still get angry, I’m still bitter about some of the things people said to me, I still look back on moments with regret.
But now I know it’s better to move towards these emotions, rather than turn away. I allow myself to show up time and time again, even if I’m a mess, even if I’m completely exhausted, even if I don’t want to.
Just keep showing up.