How Tarot Saved My Life
In February of 2020, a Vedic Astrologer told me that my Moon in Scorpio made me obsessive. She warned that whatever I fed my soul, I would fixate on it and hunger for it so I had better feed it good things. I almost laughed when she said this because for the better part of ten years the thing I fed myself was alcohol and it wasn’t just an addiction, it was an obsession.
I was what you might call a “Wine Snob.” I wasn’t anywhere near a sommelier yet I knew much more about wine than the average consumer. To me, wine was a seductive art—It had a depth of intricacy that I could lean on to feel superior and justified while I was drinking myself into oblivion. I’d scoff at the people drinking Barefoot Moscato with ice cubes in it while I shocked myself awake in the bathtub by a shattered glass of precisely cellared Quail’s Gate Syrah. My heart would ache for the wasted liquid gold nearly as much as my head would the next morning.
My drinking was deeply ritualistic. Every part of it was intentional, from the selection process, how long it was cellared for, the food it was paired with to the temperature it was served at, if it was decanted, how it was tasted, and what kind of glass it was drunk from. When I was getting sober, the ritual of drinking disappeared and I desperately yearned for something just as potent to take its place. This was a difficult thing because nothing “healthy” held the same weight as an addictive substance.
Addiction at its root is created from an inability to stay present through difficult experiences or emotions. It is born from a need to escape. Therefore, and in my experience, addiction recovery is the practice of sitting in the fire of discomfort and no matter how much it burns, one does not leave. But for how long? Humans do not do well with discomfort. In Dr. Gabor Maté’s book, ‘When The Body Says No’, he describes a stress response that is activated by our discomfort when facing the unknown, a lack of information, or a loss of control. He says that something that can stop this stress response in its tracks is a consummatory behaviour—something that brings completion to our minds. But how do we find control when there is no control? How do we find knowledge in the unknown? How do we find faith in the fear? This is where Tarot comes in.
“They turned my fear into curiosity…”
Like many others in recovery, I experienced a spiritual awakening quite soon after I dropped the bottle. I felt incredibly connected to S ource and my spirituality became my new obsession. I began devouring spiritual texts and podcasts. I began meditating daily and returned to my yoga practice. I was consuming new knowledge at the speed of light and somewhere along the way I re-discovered Tarot. I had been introduced to Tarot in my youth but it wasn’t until my first sober birthday at age 25 that I would buy my first deck. There are many misconceptions about Tarot, most of which come from fear however fear is the thing Tarot has helped me through the most. When I was terrified about interacting with old drinking buddies or about to go to a place I used to drink, it was the Tarot cards that would help me feel a sense of empowerment and purpose. They turned fear into curiosity. When I was triggered and exhausted and beaten down it was the cards that reminded me that life was happening for me, not to me. The cards showed me that I was on a path when I couldn’t see the ground in front of me. They helped me over obstacles and barriers, they helped me own my pain and stop projecting it on others. They helped me see light when there was no light.
I am now four years sober and I’m no longer afraid of fear. Fear is now an invitation to break out my cards and satiate my hunger for understanding. In the wake of my addiction, I found a new ritual to feed my soul and I’ve never felt more alive.
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Curious to learn the art of Tarot for yourself? Join Denise on March 25th for an introduction to Tarot in her online Learn to Read Tarot workshop! Sign up today.